Since the good people of Alberta will be holding a secession referendum after a century of us pathetic Atlantic Canadians leeching off the wealth of their resources (Editor: while simultaneously being the people actually extracting those resources), we at The Empty Press thought now might be a good time to offer up some names for our possibly-departing friends’ new nation.
Cattle-onia
Named after the autonomous community of Spain that famously declared its own independence in 2017. We thought it would be appropriate to honour that legacy while simultaneously referencing the only beings left after all of the humans flee. (Ed: Though, surely, unlike the Catalonian leaders, no one will be accused of misappropriating public funds)
Quebec
Okay, so hear us out. If a break-up occurs, we’re still going to want to maintain cordial relations between our two countries. What better way to start than by hilariously trolling the other collection of whiny, corrupt race-baiters that are constantly threatening to leave but fall on their faces every time they try? (Ed: Vive l’Alberta libre!)
Calgary Impeders
Why not honour one of the new nation’s proudest and most successful institutions, while also embracing the tried and true philosophy of opposition to technological, scientific, and social progress that got us to this point? (Ed: We chose this over ‘Calgary In-Flames-Every-Summer’, and pun about the Oilers just felt like rubbing salt in the wound, though I still voted for ‘Bowmania’)
The Middle West
Okay, maybe it’s a little obvious, but the ingredients are all there. (Ed: Added bonus, no waterways to blockade)
And finally…
Smith & Stetson
Guns, cowboy hats, and Danielle. Need we say more? (Ed: Probably, but we’re lazy)
So that’s it. We wish our future former-Canadians well. You can keep your oil, but we want our donairs back.
