OTTAWA – After trade negotiations collapsed following demands from US President Donald Trump that threatened Canada’s French language laws, outraged Canadians are pretending that they care about preserving the nation’s bilingual identity.
“I’m thoroughly pissed off at the way we’re being treated!” fumed Eric Harrington of Oshawa. “I’m so mad at the disrespectful way that the USA is acting in these trade talks that I’m going to act as though I actually read both sets of instructions on the Kraft Dinner packaging!”
Nam-joon Park of Regina agreed. “I am so sick of the USA trying to push us around. It’s gotten to the point that I’m going to act as though I don’t think it’s stupid that all the good federal jobs are pretty much exclusively available to Francophones and those whose parents happened to make a decision to put them in French immersion when they were five!”
Putting the situation into a broader perspective was political science professor Alan Foust of Athabasca University. “Canada has shown time and time again that French language and identity are pillars of our societal fabric,” he explained. “It’s so important that we’re willing to allow an entire province to completely ignore our Charter of Rights and Freedoms and pass laws so unapologetically racist that they make Mr. Trump blush, just because they threaten to leave if we don’t, despite the fact that we all know they won’t and don’t really care if they do.”
For his part, Mr. Harrington has stated his desire to show his support for the government’s efforts by planning a trip to Quebec City. “I’m going to buckle in to my plane seat with pride and, when they play the in-flight safety instructions, I’m going to act as though I’m not thinking, ‘My God, this could be half as long as it is'”.
