WASHINGTON, DC – After eulogizing conservative influencer Charlie Kirk by stating that he will see him in “Valhalla”, FBI Director Kash Patel is instruction all agents to play the renowned Playstation franchise “God of War”.
“When I told Charlie that we’d meet in the Valhalla, a lot of people found it confusing that I’d reference a Germanic paganist faith while praising a devout Christian” Mr. Patel began. “Well, that’s because I’m directing all of our officers to hone their skills on 2018’s Game of the Year!”
Speaking to a crowd of reporters to whom he alternately addressed with the pronouns “Boy” and “Head”, the Pace Law graduate continued, “I want our agents to be badassed masculine warriors like my man Kratos! I want them to tear a path of destruction through this dark, scary, world of trolls, revenants and illegal immigrants with the yellow-eyed glow of Spartan Rage!”.
Asked by one “Head” if his invocation of the legendary Viking hall of dead warriors, was a dogwhistle intended to appeal to White supremacist groups that are known to reference Norse mythology in their rhetoric, the former ATF head countered with a presenting a 20-slide power point presentation on the virtues of frost magic over Tartarus fire.
The Director then followed with a 1-hour demonstration miming his favourite punches, kicks and finishers from the highly-rated series in front of a group of bruised, bandaged, and wheelchair-bound interns, concluding by adding “I’d show you more but my aides hid my axe”.
Queried by a “Boy” to comment on the game’s underlying narrative about how a life of violence leaves a person damaged and depressed, The Director responded with 2 minutes of blank silence before exclaiming “Weren’t the Valkyrie fights awesome?!”.
In closing, Mr. Patel struck a sombre tone nothing that his sole objective for the initiative was to ensure that every Bureau member comes home to the loving embrace of their very-own Freya.
