TORONTO – With the Carolina Hurricanes winning a Stanley Cup final that saw Vegas Golden Knights, and former Maple Leafs, forward Mitch Marner held pointless for two critical games, the city of Toronto has announced plans to host a first-of-its-kind “We told you so!” parade.
“This is a landmark moment in team history!” exclaimed CEO Keith Pelley. “I don’t need to tell you that the club has an extensive history of running superstar players out of town only to see them win championships damned near immediately, but not this time! Let’s celebrate!”.
The president then went on to detail the upcoming festivities. “First and foremost is the parade route,” he began. “Naturally, we’ll be passing by the homes of all of Mitch’s friends and family. Volunteers will be handing out snowballs, dirt and rocks for fans to throw at any completely-innocent person who has even the most tacit of connections to the player”.
“Then we’ll all funnel into Nathan Phillips Square for the rally,” he continued. “We’re going to have a series of speeches by noted Marner-haters, like Dale from the office, Reddit user WendelClarkForPM69, and, of course, your uncle Steve, fresh from his latest DUI-stint. After that, there’ll be a burning-in-effigy of Kerry Fraser, for old time’s sake, and then, when everyone’s good and drunk, we’ll hold a ‘Hate-athon’ where folks take turns leaving mean messages on his wife’s instagram page”.
Pausing to wipe tears from his eyes, Pelley took a moment to address the years of disappointment Maple Leafs supporters have had to endure “From Murphy to Kessel to Kadri, our fans have been the undeserving victims of their own words and actions. Marner ‘choked in big moments’, and ‘could never lead anyone to a title’ they said. And, for four gruelling rounds, it seemed they might get exactly what they deserved”.
“All the pundits were shouting ‘Marner for Conn Smythe!’, and it sure looked like it. A four-point night. A highlight-reel goal. But we never gave up hope. ‘Just wait for an elimination game!’ we said. And now look at us! Finally right about something! No lessons learned!”.
“Smile, everyone! The curse is over! For now”.
Asked if events would include any of the team’s players, Pelley was dismissive. “Nah, I guess after nine years some of them actually got to like the guy. It’s like they think he’s a human being or something”.
