OTTAWA – Officials at the Royal Institute of Ornithology are condemning Canadian songstress Nelly Furtado’s signature song “I’m Like a Bird”, for lyrics that they perceive as depicting the feathered animals in a negative light.
“Until recently, I had assumed that Ms. Furtado had finally come to her senses and removed that slanderous track from her repertoire,” fumed President Gary Almont. “But, after last night’s performance at The JUNO Awards, it’s clear she hasn’t. She continues to portray our fellow warm-blooded vertebrates as non-committal fools with a poor sense of navigation!”.
Mr. Almont highlighted some the song’s distressing lyrics. “Let’s go straight to the chorus, shall we? I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away. Now what the hell is this nonsense?!” he exclaimed. “‘Only fly AWAY”?! Has this lady never heard of migration patterns?! I suppose she just thinks ducks fly South in the Fall and never return?”
Grabbing a cage containing a Columbid, and holding it aloft, he continued “Now, how about I don’t know where my home is. Hey Nelly, did you ever wonder why they call them ‘HOMING’ pigeons?! Let’s see what happens if I let THIS creature out of the cage!”, before carrying out a quick demonstration of the animal’s round-trip delivery abilities.
“Now, my daughter tells me I’m being crazy, and that the song is just a lamentation on one’s ability to stay in a healthy relationship,” he continued. “But why did she need to bring our downy friends into it? Not only do penguins not fly at all, but they also mate for life! Granted, females have been documented engaging in extramarital prostitution, but we’re a sex-positive organisation and would never condemn a Promiscuous Girl!”.
“So what if she makes other penguins spend hard and want all of her love?!” Mr. Almont commented before becoming overcome with emotion. “I’m sorry,” he said “When I see people talk ill of these beautiful creatures I just feel so powerless. What are you gonna do?”.
At press time, the author of this article is wondering if they’ve run out of ideas.
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