WASHINGTON, DC – As part of a spate of new hires, a new American Deputy Secretary of Defense has been named in the form of Love Sausage, the large-penised “supe” from the acclaimed series “The Boys”.
Speaking to reporters, Secretary Pete Hegseth detailed his reasoning for the appointment. “When I decided it was time for a shakeup of the brass, I went home and did what I always do when faced with a big decision: I down a bottle of bourbon and watch ‘The Boys’ with the sound off!”
Pausing to wipe saliva from his face, the Afghanistan veteran continued, “And Love Sausage, he embodies the warrior ethos we’re trying to achieve! I can’t think of anything that says ‘USA’ quite like a White man beating a Person of Colour unconscious with his giant Ameri-schwanz!”
“That’s who I want as my number two! Or, in this case, number one.”
For his part, President Donald Trump sang the praises of the Amazon Prime hit as well. “When Pete showed me that Homelander, I thought ‘What a good-looking guy that is’. Isn’t he a good-looking guy? I thought, ‘That is a good-looking guy’ and I looked at, I don’t usually do this, but I started examining his body because I didn’t know he was a superhero, and I looked at his ass, and then at his jawline, he has a great jawline, and great shoulders, broad shoulders. What a good looking man, with the tights and the cape. Like Superman. No one ever noticed that before, I said, ‘You know, he looks like Superman’ and everyone said ‘You are right, Mr. President, I never noticed that before, he looks like Superman’, and then I saw that Love Sausage and I thought ‘that’s a good looking man, too’, all these supes, they’re good looking men, and that Love Sausage, he’s one of them. And I had to say it. They told me, ‘Mr. President, don’t say it’, but I had to say it, he unzipped his pants and I said ‘Wow! Did you see that?!’, everyone said ‘Wow! That is one hell of a man’. I shouldn’t say it, but I did. But we love him don’t we, folks? We love him, Love Sausage.”
When asked how the government could hire a fictional television character, Mr. Hegseth waved away any concerns, noting, “We’ve already got those nerds making war dogs for us, a long-donged champion shouldn’t be difficult”.
