LONDON – Prime Minister Rishi Sunak bristled, today, at the suggestion that many nations, particularly colonial powers, should repatriate artifacts acquired from other nations, often by immoral means, citing the fact that, without them, the United Kingdom is a pretty uninteresting place.
“Come on mate!” exclaimed the Mr. Sunak. “Just think for a minute, if we gave back all this stuff, then what’s the point of even being here? Seriously, the only reason to even visit this place is to see stuff we stole from other people”.
“If anything, it’s kind of a compliment. Let’s be real. England conquered the world because this place is so rainy and miserable we were willing to waste countless lives and capital just to be anywhere else”.
The PM went on to point out the flaws of purely British creations “What else do we have to offer? The Globe theatre? Lucky you, you get to experience the wonders of high school English class, maybe you can grab some boiled potatoes afterwards. Football? Great, Old Trafford is such a treat, you’ll even take home a souvenir in the form of a black eye you received from a drunken chav. Bag pipes? Okay, those are kind of cool, but the Scots would happily destroy every last one if it meant making the English even slightly upset”.
“We’re a constitutional MONARCHY. What happens if we give back the Koh-i-noor? What’s a the point of a monarchy if you got rid of all the jewels?! Seriously, that’s not a rhetorical question, what is the point?”.
In closing Mr. Sunak instead proposed a compromise. “How about we just change the country’s motto from ‘Dieu et mon droit’ to ‘Made in India’?”.
In a related story, officials from France insisted that they purchased all of their artifacts “fair and square” with the billions they extorted from Haiti.
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