NEW YORK CITY – As the NHL begins its process of announcing nominees for its major awards, word has come out that the league will be presenting the Lady Byng Memorial Trophy to American president Donald J. Trump.
“When the Viscountess of Vimy donated her namesake trophy, she did so with the intent to honour those who were adjudged to have exhibited the best type of sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct combined with a high standard of ability” said Commissioner Gary Bettman. “And, like our colleagues at FIFA before us, we can think of no one who exhibits the principles of respect and fair play quite like the President of the United States of America!”.
Mr. Bettman continued, citing Mr. Trump’s incredible statistical performance “With an Olympic gold medal, it has truly been a banner year for American hockey, and that extends to their Commander-in-Chief! He’s shutout multiple assassins, blocked subpoenas and overpowered defending armies, all without collecting a single penalty minute!”
Speaking from the Oval Office, Mr. Trump expressed his gratitude. “I’m truly honoured to receive this beautiful trophy”, he said. “Everyone agrees Lady Byng is a 10, actually, if she were 140 years younger I’d probably ‘accidentally’ stumble into her changing room. So beautiful, would love to display her in this office. Not gold, though I wish it were gold, you don’t think we could spray paint it gold? I think that would look wonderful”.
He continued “You know, a lot of people are saying the Lady Byng is the hardest award to win, and I did it without even playing, can you imagine that? Not playing. People said ‘it couldn’t be done’, but I did. It was so easy. So many great players never won it. Like the great Bobby Orr! Remember Bobby Orr? Boy, he was great, never won the Lady Byng though. Too many misconducts. Too many times the ref said ‘go to the shower!’. And when he went to the shower everyone said ‘Oh my god!’. They said, ‘Did you see that?!’. ‘Looked like the Hart Trophy’, they said. The Hart Memorial Trophy! A great trophy, you know I said I think they should call it the ‘Donald J. Trump Hart Memorial Trophy’, and we’re looking in to that. Gary told me ‘Mr. President we’re looking in to that’. ‘The Donald J. Trump Hart Memorial Trophy’ wouldn’t that be beautiful? Beautiful trophy, not as beautiful as the Lady Byng, though, which I won, the Lady Byng”.
According to Bettman, accolades will also extend to the Trump Administration writ large, as he noted that “We’re preparing a special participation trophy for Kash Patel, and we’ve convinced Mark Messier to change his name to ‘Ivanka'”.
