SEOUL – According to reports from South Korean intelligence officials, Kim Ju Ae, the daughter of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, has ordered the execution of a rival field hockey player.
According to experts, the 13-year-old Ju Ae is believed to her father’s chosen heir, and her recent move to deliver a death sentence upon of Park Min-seo, captain of the Pyongyang Secondary River Bandits, is being taken as confirmation of her position as future leader of the hermit kingdom.
“This recent directive from the young Kim demonstrates her father’s shrewd and deliberate machinations,” said Ji-hoon Jung of the National Intelligence Service. “The Dear Leader is aware that his family’s legacy can only be secured through an iron fist, and, despite being brought up in a traditionally patriarchal society, he has recognised that no one can control communication, coordinate attacks and crush dissent quite like a teenaged girl”.
Jung explained that Park ran afoul of the Ju Ae after a particularly difficult match, in which the former did the unthinkable. “Reports out of the North suggest that in a recent match, during which Ms. Kim played all 11 positions for her team, the ball came to the oppoing Min-seo who, instead of firing wide as she intended, slipped on the turf and accidentally sent it in to the net. It snapped the future leader’s 900 game shut-out streak, with the match ultimately ending in a treasonous final score of 14574 to one”.
At press time, it is believed that the erstwhile athlete’s remains are to be fed to The Respected Daughter’s stable of axolotls.
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