SAN JOSE – A controversy appears to be brewing in the NHL after famously obnoxious player Evander Kane was called out for his obnoxious response to the obnoxious behaviour of his equally obnoxious teammates.
The incident erupted after Kane threatened to reveal the poor behaviour of former San Jose Sharks players in response to former San Jose Sharks player Kurtis Gabriel opting to reveal the poor behaviour of Kane.
Speaking on the San Jose Hockey Now podcast, Gabriel explained his reasoning for coming forward. “Evander needs to take a serious look at his inability to get along with people who’ve been nothing but good to him!” he fumed. “And that’s why I felt compelled to take to the public airwaves and call out all of the character flaws I noticed in the whopping 11 games we played together!”
The nine-year pro went on to detail some of the former Edmonton Oiler’s indiscretions. “One day he shows up late to a meeting in flip-flops and a tracksuit while the rest of us had arrived early in our three-piece suits! It was so unprofessional that Burnsy (defenceman Brent Burns), a well-respected, 35-year-old veteran, had enough and stepped in by trying to goad me, a 27-year-old journeyman, into beating him up!”
He continued, “Then, at one practice Karl (former Senator Erik Karlsson) and Hertz (forward Tomas Hertl) were just tossing around some harmless japes about his gambling addiction, failing marriage and legal troubles, and he tried to take a saw to their sticks!”
“What kind of loser responds to insults about the lowest point in your life by taking it out on some innocent inanimate objects?!”
Still, Gabriel is holding out hope that the one-time 30-goal man can change his ways, noting, “Maybe he’ll see the error of his ways if I post some more racially insensitive comments from people who testified against him in a custody trial.”
At press time, these are grown-assed men.
