TORONTO – Following an exciting opening match that saw the Canadian Men’s National Soccer Team earn its first-ever point at the FIFA World Cup, retired hockey commentator Don Cherry condemned the team for playing the game on green ice.
“I’m steamed!” bellowed the former Hershey Bear to staff at a Leslieville Starbucks. “I hear there’s a big game tonight, so I turn on the TV to watch some good Canadian boys beat up those commies from Beefstew and Hamburger, and what do I see?! GREEN ICE! What kind of left-wing, Euro-trash nonsense is that?!”.
Leaving the establishment after being informed that they don’t serve Timbits, Cherry elaborated. “Everyone knows you play hockey on white ice with red and blue lines!” he yelled at a bemused parking enforcement officer. “But, no, those tree-hugging environmentalists want everyone to go green! I bet they didn’t even make it out of water! Probably some kind of granola, organic, plant-based crap!”.
“They didn’t even have boards!” complained the nonagenarian, ex-Colorado Rockies coach as concerned TTC riders helped him to his seat. “How is anyone supposed to be entertained if they can’t watch Newsy Lalonde put some chicken Swede through the glass?! Can you believe they could just tear up our beloved Maple Leaf Gardens like that? When I get home, I’m going to call up ol’ Conn Smythe and give him a piece of my mind!”.
Getting off at a stop nowhere near his destination, the erstwhile Sportsnet employee continued by berating the team’s choice of uniform. “What was with those shorts and tees?” he asked a Sankofa Square hotdog vendor. “Everyone knows you show up to the game wearing a three-piece suit, or you don’t show up at all! They looked like a bunch of basketball players! I’m telling you that pinko David Suzuki has something to do with this!”.
The 1976 Jack Adams winner closed by condemning the fans who attended the match for not wearing a poppy, before declaring that “It’s time for me and Blue go to bed!” and curling up for a nap next to a fire hydrant.
