EDMONTON – After his club was eliminated by the Anaheim Ducks in the first round of this year’s Stanley Cup playoffs, the parents of Connor McDavid have filed for conservatorship of the Edmonton Oilers superstar.
Speaking to Judge Eric Swanson a shaken Brian McDavid explained the family’s dilemma. “As parents we don’t do this lightly. We love our son, but it’s clear that he can’t be trusted to make sound decisions. Can you imagine how awful it is to receive a call saying that your sweet boy was spotted ‘practicing’ in the ICE District?!”.
Kelly McDavid agreed with her husband. “This Oilers epidemic has destroyed so many promising careers over the decades, and our son’s is no exception.” She continued, “The Katz Group has been getting rich by turning healthy young men into shells of themselves, floating through a haze of defensive turnovers, errant passes, and Tristan Jarrys!”
McDavid’s wife, Lauren Kyle supported his parents’ actions “As a wife, it’s horrible watching someone you love do this to themselves,” she explained “But what could I do? If I stepped in to stop it, I would’ve just been another ‘Janet’! There was a moment when I thought he’d finally come to his senses but, just a moment later, he was on his knees, clutching my pant-leg and begging for ‘just two more years!'”.
“For God’s sake your honour, he’s only getting worse!” howled Brian. “They’re saying it’s only a matter of time before he joins the Leafs!”
At press time, followers of McDavid’s Instagram profile are reporting that the centre posted a video of himself dancing with knives while a frightened, underfed Leon Draisaitl scurried in the background.
