TORONTO — After weeks of controversy, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has scrapped plans to travel via a $30 million private jet, opting instead for the more cost-effective solution of being carried on a litter while a procession of virgins follows, scattering rose petals in his wake.
Dressed in a toga and resting prostrate on a raised platform, surrounded by an assortment of brightly coloured pillows, the first minister explained his actions. “While I maintain that our recent purchase of a Challenger 650 was completely necessary, it is clear that the people are displeased, and, thus, we must abide!”
Ford briefly paused the announcement to summon Minister of Finance Peter Bethlenfalvy for a chalice of wine before continuing. “With this in mind, we will now visit upon the masses, borne by our most loyal constables of provincial policing, and the people will be blessed by the presence of virtuous maids casting favours of corollas upon them!”.
Mr. Ford ended his audience by declaring, “Now, we must retire,” before encouraging the gathered press “not to pine for their us, but to continue to revel,” and closing with, “Your premier implores that you drink, dance, and be merry!”
