TORONTO – As players for the Toronto Raptors cleared out their lockers following a season that saw the rebuilding organisation finish at the bottom of their division, team president Masai Ujiri attributed the squad’s disappointing performance to one Brett Emmons of Kingston, Ontario.
According to Mr. Ujiri, Emmons is responsible for damaging team morale, as explained in the opening verse of 2023’s smash-hit single “Blame Brett” by rock quartet The Beaches, in which lead singer Jordan Miller explains that her heartbreak from her break-up with the The Glorious Sons frontman led her to seek comfort in meaningless relationships with actors, and members of Canada’s sole NBA franchise.
“Basketball is a hugely mental game, confidence has to be paramount,” explained Ujiri. “But how can our guys concentrate on being the best they can be when they’re dealing with the psychological degradation of being emotional playthings for every jilted chanteuse in the city?”.
He continued “When you put on this jersey and step out on to that floor, we want you to think you’re unstoppable. That you are a champion, someone who deserves praise an adoration. Instead, I’ve got a bunch of heart-sick multi-millionaires moping around Scotiabank because they think they’re nothing more than on-call human vibrators for a guitar-strumming sociopath!”.
“What’s worse, it’s evening damaging the self-esteem of players who aren’t in her path of destruction! Imagine having to assure Immanuel Quickley that six-foot-two is well-above average height, just because he’s apparently not enough of a ‘tall boy’ for some dead-inside songstress! Damn you, Brett!”.
Asked if he believed the team could ever move on from the legacy of Mr. Emmons’s failed relationships, Ujiri struck a cynical note. “What does it matter, even if we could put it behind us, this organisation is never going to recover from ‘Not Like Us'”.
