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Leafs brass promises to address team’s problems by trading away more first round picks
TORONTO - Following another tough elimination early in the Stanley Cup playoffs, Maple Leafs executives have stated that they intend to improve the club’s...
AI calculates ideal museum navigation route for people with OCD
NEW YORK CITY - Machine Learning firm Navigational Dynamics has announced the development of a mobile application, rOuteCD, that can plot the perfect path...
PSA: Not all Karens are Bad
We here at The Empty Press would like to take a moment to register our frustration with a recent trend.
The colloquialism "Karen" used...
Pathetic Bachelor torn between support for Loblaw boycott and reliance on PC Meals
EDMONTON - Thirty-seven-year-old, unmarried, insurance adjuster Chris Reinhardt is finding himself in a bind as he balances his belief in the message being sent...
Rudy Gobert promises league and fans he won’t go anywhere near a glass of milk
MINNEAPOLIS - With news that traces of the H5N1 virus have been found in unpasteurised milk from infected cows, Timberwolves star Rudy Gobert has...