NEW YORK CITY – After Kash Patel featured prominently during Alexander Ovechkin’s record-breaking performances in Washington and Long Island, the NHL’s brass is vociferously defending itself against accusations of a blindingly-obvious political bias by pointing out that the Trump-appointed FBI director’s appearance was simply due to him being “a hockey guy” in same manner that Sarah Palin featured prominently during the 2008 election campaign due to her being “a hockey mom”.
Many fans took Mr. Patel’s presence alongside hockey great, and reported-friend of American President Donald Trump, Wayne Gretzky as hockey great, and reported-friend-of-reported-friend-of-Donald-Trump Russian President Vladimir Putin, Alexander Ovechkin passed Mr. Gretzky’s hallowed career goals record as political statement by the NHL, a suggestion that Commissioner Gary Bettman vehemently denied.
“This has nothing to do with politics,” fumed Mr. Bettman. “Kash Patel is a huge fan of our great game and was as excited as anyone by the Great Eight’s climb up the record books! And, like any good ‘hockey guy’, he took in the sight.. from a box seat.. with me.. and the greatest player of all time.. and in the perfect spot where every camera in the arena could clear view of him”.
He continued “It’s just like how Sarah Palin dropped the puck not once, but twice, during an election campaign, because she was ‘a hockey mom’, and not because she was holding angry rallies casually implying that a presidential candidate was a secret-Muslim terrorist hell bent on destroying America”.
“And of course, like any average ‘hockey guy’, it was completely normal and apolitical for Kash to be invited into the locker room to celebrate and have his picture taken with the his favourite player and the puck he used to set a new mark in the most important statistic in the sport. Just think of him as a ‘Make a Wish’ kid whose wish is to defund treatment for ‘Make a Wish’ kids”.
Mr. Bettman went on to refute any suggestion that right-wing political endorsements have long been a part of the league’s agenda. “This has always been about hockey guys, hockey moms, and all hockey people. Vince Vaughn isn’t a regular fixture at our celebrity events because he opposes affirmative action, it’s because he’s a ‘hockey actor’. We didn’t give Jerry Bruckheimer a team because he’s a prominent Republican donor, but because he’s a ‘hockey Michael Bay-movie producer’. The commissioner further noted that when Wayne Gretzky statued his support for George W. Bush’s invasion of Iraq, it wasn’t because he was a Republican, but because the former POTUS was a renowned “hockey brush-clearer” before being heard muttering “Seriously, Wayne, another one? You’re killing me, here!”.
Reached for comment, Mr. Patel insisted he was not at the games for political reasons, but rather to live out his dream of “Shotgunning brews with Biz Nasty”.
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