HALIFAX – Haligonian mayor Andy Fillmore explained that his recent controversial proposal to pause the construction of bike lanes is part of his larger initiative to remind residents of his presence by pissing off every last one of them.
“When I was running for mayor, my message to voters was strong and clear: You know who I am”, explained Mr. Fillmore. “But, in the eight months since, it became apparent that doing absolutely nothing had rendered the populace woefully unaware of my existence. That cannot stand, so, either I was going to have to pursue bold new initiatives that would inspire and excite people, or I was going to have to get on their nerves”.
He continued “Our city is in the midst of a traffic crisis, and that requires action. I suppose I could use my considerable influence to lobby for the expansion of mass transit, encourage the growth of mixed-use communities, and embark an ambitious plan rethink our society in a way that has the public singing my praises long after I’m gone, but I’d really just rather do the bare minimum and force every cyclist, pedestrian, and person-who-just-plain-enjoys-fresh-air to curse my name”.
“Look, I didn’t quit my job as an MP to do actual work”.
Asked what rage-inducing plans the mayor foresaw for council, Fillmore was non-committal. “I dunno, parking seems to be a problem, maybe people will hate it if we bulldoze the library to make a lot? Or what if we make the noon-gun ten times louder? If all else fails we’ll just bring back the cat bylaw. Rest assured I will find a way to piss everyone off or my name isn’t.. uh.. what’s my name, again?”
