HALIFAX – As university students across the country return for the new year, many of those with right-wing views are, sadly, finding themselves reluctant to express their opinions, after having spent their entire grade-school lives freely spewing them with no consequence.
“I’m so sick of the liberal bias on campus,” complained second-year Saint Mary’s student Darren Morash. “What happened to the days of being able to casually declare that ‘we should just kick out all of the immigrants’ to the agreement of your friends and, what I can only assume was, the silent endorsement of everybody else?”.
“But here, everyone’s so ‘woke’ you can’t even drop a few casual slurs without someone saying they don’t like that!”, he fumed. “It’s like, if that’s supposedly ‘racist’, then how come no one felt inclined to complain about it at my old school where I was constantly fawned over by my mostly-White peers and teachers?”
Mr. Morash lamented the muzzling he’s being forced to endure, noting “I’m going to have to wait ’til I go home for Thanksgiving to break out my hilarious Apu impression”.
Meanwhile, incoming Dalhousie freshman Alyssa Harlowe detailed the extreme culture shock that came with the “extreme leftist” views being expressed on campus.
“Did you know that there are people who are actually pro-choice? Where did that come from?” she exclaimed. “I can’t even blurt out that abortion is murder and anyone who thinks otherwise is going to hell, without some kind of backlash! What happened to all of my opinions being met with the agreement of my friends and, what I can only assume was, the silent endorsement of everybody else?”
She continued, “Campuses across the country have been taken over by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her goons! It’s like no one has ever spoken to all of the adults at my church who’d affirm how right I was in between compliments on my hair!”.
“It’s almost as if, the more intelligent the people, the more likely they are to think I’m wrong!”
Mr. Morash agreed, noting “It’s like no one here cares that I played AAA!”.
In the end, Darren and Alyssa vowed to trudge, though, both admitted it can be dishearteningly lonely. Said Harlowe “Now the only place left for me to express my views is a multi-million dollar national news conglomerate”.
