TORONTO – Twenty-four hours after the Toronto Maple Leafs suffered a Game-7 loss to the Florida Panthers, the victorious squad has offered to raise its opponents’ spirits by taking them to the prom.
Team captain Aleksander Barkov articulated his teammates’ motivation. “They play under so much pressure, here, and all they get is criticism, just because they don’t do the only thing that they’re paid millions of dollars to do! Well that ends, now, Toronto! You’re about to get She’s All That‘d!”
“My mom was really mad at me, and said I had to make it right” explained forward Matthew Tkachuk. “She said that underneath that mousey, outscored-twelve-to-two-in-two-home-games exterior was a capable-of-picking-up-even-the-most-basic-defensive-assignment swan,” he continued. “And who better than the cool, popular, champion to bring it out?!”.
Forward Brad Marchand fervently agreed, “Take off those nerdy glasses and let your hair down, Buds! We’re going to show everyone that you, too, are capable of scoring three points while playing on the third line instead of freezing up like a teenaged girl who just got a bucket of blood dumped on her head!”
To further their efforts, the team announced that moving forward they will be replacing performances of the national anthem with “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None The Richer.
