OTTAWA – After Monday’s election saw the affirmation of Mark Carney’s Liberal government, Canadians are feeling hopeful that their suddenly completely-uninteresting political landscape will return them to a better time when Americans had no idea what the hell was going on up here.
Standing before a crowd of raucous supporters chanting “Make Canada Boring Again!”, Mr. Carney stepped to the podium in his home riding of Carleton to deliver a reserved “Hi” and promptly left the stage, before quietly ambling back to add “Bonjour” followed by a smirkingly-noted “Brain cramp”.
Experts were quick to hail Carney’s actions as sending a clear signal that the nation that had spent a decade in the unusual position of being topic of discussion in the halls of American power, from the White House to Congress, to the Joe Rogan Experience, had, thankfully, returned to a state of complete disregard by its southern neighbours.
Dalhousie University professor of Political Science Dr. Moira Abbas explained how the abdication of former Prime Minister Trudeau sparked an emotional turning-point for her countrymen. “Canadians are most comfortable living in a world where Americans think we all ride polar bears to work and our Prime Minister is Dan Aykroyd,” she explained. “And that’s easy when your actual PM reminds you of ‘that nice guy from the office’, but that wasn’t the case when Trudeau was elected. It was just kind of fun at first but, once that picture came out of Ivanka making googly-eyes at the hot, progressive, French guy, the right-wing media had to go full throttle in complaining about him lest they start to see the same below the 49th”.
Abbas continued, “But even after Trudeau stepped down, we knew it wouldn’t be enough for them to go back to thinking our national bird is maple syrup. If Poilievre were to become Prime Minister, we’d still be under the lens! First of all, there’s no way Trump would take one look at that dweeb and not want to give him a wedgie. And you know the late-night comedians would be like moths to a flame once they got a gander at Convoy Milhouse!”.
“But everything’s back to normal, now. We’ve replaced the sexy, long-maned, surfer dude with a pleasant, short-haired, financial expert! He’s literally an accountant!”.
In the face of concerns that a minority government still might generate enough drama to keep Americans interested, Ms. Abbas was insistent that they are unfounded, saying “Singh’s stepping down, so we no longer have to worry about them noticing that the government is being propped up a dark-skinned alpha-male, whose designer-suits can barely contain his bulging pectorals”.
Though, she did admit her own relief that Green Party co-leader Jonathan Pedneault didn’t win his riding, noting “I’m not sure we’d be able to fade into obscurity once the Yanks got a look at those eyes”.
