OTTAWA – As the famed UEFA Euro and Copa América champions come to an end, Canadian media is buzzing after numerous reporters criticised the beautiful game, insisting that it pales in comparison to Hockey, Baseball, Basketball, Gridiron Football and whatever else they’ve spent their whole careers being paid to cover by a media that didn’t anticipate the rapid rise in the sport’s national profile.
“I resent the suggestion that I’m simply an out-of-touch crank who fears the world is passing him by,” raged NBA Insider Dave LeBrun, “I assure you that this is because the soccer is SO BORING. You’re lucky if you see a game that ends 2-1!”. He continued “And 45-minute halves with no breaks?! No one in this day and age can pay attention to something that long! Wouldn’t you much rather watch a game end 101-100 and you only need to tune in for the last 3 minutes?”
MLB Analyst Steve Naylor agreed. “YAWN YAWN YAWN!” he exclaimed. “The repetitiveness, the time wasting. Who wants to see that? Wouldn’t you much rather watch a sport that had to add a fucking clock just to get people to hurry the hell up, and included something called a seventh-inning stretch just to prevent the fans from becoming frozen to their seats?”
Naylor, who has also enjoyed a long tenure commenting on both the National and Canadian Football leagues, further added “Or how about the way they drag out the plays?”, before elaborating “Passing back and forth, opening lanes, taking runs. I don’t know about you but I’d much rather watch Christian McCaffrey grab the ball and run out the sideline for a gain of two. Real entertainment lasts 0.37 seconds with a 4-minute break between plays”.
“This has nothing to do with the fact that I find myself increasingly irrelevant in a world that cares less and less about my encyclopedic knowledge of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers”
Many scribes cited the sport’s notorious reputation for simulation as reason for their disdain. While scouring video from the past season, NHL beat reporter Pierre Simmons noted “When I see footage of De Paul writhing on the ground after taking a ball to the back, I find it sickening”. He continued, “you’ll never see Ovechkin or Crosby do something so ridiculous”, as he studied clips of the nine-time goal-scoring champion biting his lip to draw a double minor, and the three-time Stanley Cup winner responding to a stick blade grazing his shoulder by snapping his head back like JFK.
“We also need to accept that the sport just isn’t part of our Canadian identity” added LeBrun. “Remember how everyone embraced the Vancouver Olympics? Soccer’s not something you see kids playing in the streets. But I think we all remember those frequent days of our youth, when all of the neighbour kids would gather together to hit up the ol’ Bobsled track”.
