EDMONTON – Thirty-seven-year-old, unmarried, insurance adjuster Chris Reinhardt is finding himself in a bind as he balances his belief in the message being sent by a nationally-organised boycott of grocery conglomerate Loblaw, and his dietary and general lifestyle-reliance on the company’s line of President’s Choice, and related, brand products.
“I appreciate Loblaw has engaged in some truly nefarious business practices,” explained Mr. Reinhardt, “but they’re pretty much all that’s standing in the way between me now, warm, nourished, and relatively clean, and me naked, starving, and covered in bugs”.
“Look, I make no bones about who I am,” he continued. “I was a pampered, Mama’s-boy who never learned how to take care of himself. When I moved out of the house, without my parents or my older siblings to cloth and feed me, I thought I might die. But, then, my friends introduced me to this magic land where all of my basic human needs were frozen, so I didn’t have to risk turning on the stove, and cheap enough that I’d still have cash left over for more important things like my PS-5, my Nintendo Switch, and this cool RC-replica of the Impala from Supernatural“.
According to Chris, he was “as horrified as anyone” to learn about the revelations that the corporation had conspired with others to fix the price of bread but, also that the scheme didn’t directly affect him. “I don’t eat bread,” he said, “All of my meals are so thoroughly caked in layers of preservatives and salt that I’ll never know just how disgusting they truly are, or I am”.
But, he does insist he will make an effort to change for the cause, noting that he’ll first start by changing his non-dietary shopping habits. “Changing pharmacies shouldn’t be too hard, and I could definitely pick up some actual dish-ware instead just throwing out a stack of paper plates every week. I’m sure other stores also carry ‘unscented two-in-one pyrithione zinc shampoo-conditioner’. Also, I could buy actual deodorant instead of just swabbing myself down with no name wipes every morning- though I do love that lemon scent”.
As for food, he said “I can definitely go fancy and switch my mac-and-cheese for Kraft, and there are plenty of pizza options, so that covers the first five days of the week. I am a real international foodie, though, and I’m not sure I’ll find any alternative that satisfies my addiction to their Butter Chicken and General Tao. I would never be able to make rice so perfectly cool and crunchy, on my own, that’s for sure”.
Still, Chris intends to soldier on, but that “It’s just too bad, I finally saved up enough points to treat myself to a free set of Joe Fresh underwear”.
“But, we all gotta grow up, some day. I guess it’s time to get a Costco membership”.
