HALIFAX – The province of Nova Scotia was shaken, today, after revelations that beloved folk musician, the late-Stan Rogers, was, in fact, a longtime resident of Binbrook, Ontario.
Halifax Mayor Mike Savage was first to deliver the news to the public. Speaking from a podium on the city’s famed waterfront, he began “I don’t take pride in saying this, but the evidence is incontrovertible”. Pausing to take a deep breath, the Mayor continued “After countless hours of research, including conversations with experts like an intern who happened to read his Mr. Rogers’s Wikipedia page, the one guy who actually knows all the lyrics to Barrett’s Privateers instead of just the chorus, and Stephen Colbert, for some reason; we can say with certainty that Stan Rogers is an Upper Canadian”.
Allowing the gathered press a moment to express their grief, the Mayor abruptly ended the conference, acknowledging his own inability to proceed further. “I just can’t do it. I stand before you, on this Halifax pier, a broken man”.
Citizens gathered to hear the announcement expressed their disbelief.
Bedford resident Gurkaran Sandhu was incredulous. “How could he not be a Bluenoser? He sounded just like one of us! Listen to his songs! He pronounces it ‘Helluhfax’, just like a local, not that annoying way they do on TSN!”
“I’m shocked,” added Dave MacDonald, “There are only two things Nova Scotians truly hate, the weather, and literally everyone who doesn’t live here. Stan Rogers an Ontarian?! Just please tell me he wasn’t one of those Dal brats!”.
“This makes me want to drive back to my childhood home in Guysborough County, curl up in bed, and pretend it’s all just a bad dream. I really wish I was in Sherbrooke, now”.
A despondent Ms. Sandhu lamented what horrific revelations might befall Canada’s Ocean Playground in the future. “Who else is from Ontario? Elliot Page? Nathan MacKinnon? The person who invented the hashtag ‘stormchips’?”.
