SAN JOSE – The crowd was buzzing at UFC Fight Night after new Middleweight Champion Steve “No-Vax” Johnson, claimed an epic knockout win after responding to opponent Harmeet Singh’s attack by looking at his smartphone.
“From the outside, it might have looked pretty hairy, there, but everything went according to my training,” explained the undefeated belt-holder, who was sporting two black eyes, multiple facial fractures, and a shattered pelvis, “I’d spent hours watching footage of big, strong, tough guys, bravely berating politicians from a distance and knew just what to do: pull out the old Samsung and pretend to scroll through ‘Contacts'”.
Renowned MMA journalist Ariel Hawani gave a blow-by-blow account of the match “In retrospect, it was a brilliant game plan,” he said. “Before the ref declared the fight on, Johnson was already in Singh’s head, berating him with a dizzying display of hollered insults like ‘corrupt’, ‘traitor’ and ‘Taylor Swift'”.
He continued “Once events were underway, all Singh could do in response was stare deeply into Johnson’s soul, exposing the scared child inside for the coward that he was, before unleashing a barrage of punches, kicks, and throws that further made him look like a pansy-assed little beta-cuck crying for Mama. But, apparently, that was right where Steve wanted him. He effortlessly dodged the assault by running around the octagon like a chicken with its head cut off, and absorbed the physical punishment by curling into a ball like a frightened hedgehog before he, finally, avoided the challenger’s gaze like a puppy being scolded for making a mess on the rug, and opened a can of ‘Angry Birds’ on his ass!”.
“It’s especially impressive when you consider that Singh had his whole corner team in the ring with him! Granted, no one saw them in the broadcast, but the victor’s fans insist they were there!”.
For his part, the defeated contender, who somehow came out of the terrifying ordeal looking even more handsome, expressed a lack of surprise at the result. “Really, I should’ve known I didn’t have a chance when he came into the arena and I saw how he was dressed. “Nothing says ‘Champion’ quite like wearing a Leafs hat”.
