EDMONTON – With a forest fire threatening the city of Fort McMurray, Alberta, officials in the province are expressing bemusement as to what may have caused the impending disaster.
Speaking to gathered press, Premier Danielle Smith presented a calm demeanour. “We’re not entirely sure how this whole thing started,” she began, “but I figure it had to be something entirely normal that we could in no way have prevented. How does the old saying go, again? ‘April flowers bring May flowers and May flowers bring to raging conflagrations threatening the homes and lives of thousands of people’ or something like that?”.
When asked by reporters if this could be a warning sign of the dangers of Climate Change, Ms. Smith railed against alarmism. “Would everyone just relax? We’re talking about Northern Alberta, here! We’re famed for our hot, dry weather! These are the dog days of mid-Spring, after all”.
Speculating as to what kind of environmental factors could allow for a serious fire to break out and spread so early in the year, Ms. Smith had no shortage of ideas. “Oh man, it could be anything,” she said. “On the drive to work, this morning, I heard the guy on the radio say that the Oilers-Canucks series was really ‘heating up’, so we should definitely keep an eye on that. Actually, maybe God’s an Edmonton fan and he wanted to show his support, but he got confused as to which Alberta team they are, and sent the flames as an endorsement?”.
She continued, “It could also be a case of simple human error. Just the other day, one of my staffers was watching a documentary about a guy named Thor who can shoot out lightning with a hammer! I mean talk about reckless!”.
“Or hell, maybe it was a Chinook that got a little too ‘excited’ after doing some crystal. We also have a pretty serious drug problem that we won’t do anything about, either”.
Taking a more serious tone, the UCP Leader took a moment to implore the nation for help. “When our province suffered through similar tragedy in 2016, Canadians coast-to-coast dug deep into their pockets to help us in our hour-of-need. I fear we may need to seek your assistance again. But, rest assured, just like last time, we promise to return your kindness by making absolutely no changes to do how we do things, and periodically threatening to leave while simultaneously calling you a bunch of freeloading leeches”.
Asked if she’s reached out to experts for guidance, the Premier replied in the affirmative, stating that “I spoke to my pal Tucker Carlson, and he introduced me to a lady named Marjorie who had some really interesting ideas, like-“, before one of her aides cut her off to remind her that she had to leave for an urgent dental appointment.
Before departing, Ms. Smith threw out one final theory, asking aloud “Is it possible for there to be so much global COOLING that it actually loops around and makes things really warm?”.
