WASHINGTON, DC – In the wake of the shocking assassination of conservative pundit Charlie Kirk, political violence is being condemned as the antithesis of the values of the United States, a nation whose foundations were laid in the course of a violent political uprising.
“Political violence is completely incongruous with our nation’s values!” fumed California Governor Gavin Newsom. “General George Washington must be rolling around in his grave! Was the idea of people reacting violently to disagreeable politics something our Founding Fathers envisioned as they fought a bloody war of independence against a political system with which they disagreed?”.
Secretary of State Marco Rubio, agreed. “Political violence sickens us Republicans. After all, we are the party of Lincoln, who proudly led this nation through the bloodiest conflict in American history, just so he could pass a piece of legislation!”.
He continued “I say this also as a proud Floridian, a state that has 75 monuments dedicated to the Confederacy, a violent insurrection initiated in order to prevent the potential of someone passing such legislation!”
Mr. Rubio’s sentiments were echoed by Representative Nancy Mace. “This proud nation would never endorse anything as repugnant as the assassination of someone with whom we disagree- in this country. I mean, we can’t have folks in other countries acting like Commies, now, can we?”.
“Which reminds me, I’m late for my January 6th reunion party”.
In a related story, the House of Representatives passed a resolution affirming that civilian violence is still cool.
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