HALIFAX – After announcing his plans to create the Nova Scotia Guard, a collection of volunteers to be leveraged in emergencies, as opposed to increasing funding for the public services that respond to such events, Premier Tim Houston used the moment to pitch his latest brainstorm, replacing EMS staff with concerned Grandmothers to address your wounds.
“I devote much of the whopping thousand hours of my work year to coming up with out-of-the box solutions to Nova Scotians’ problems,” began Mr. Houston. “One question I’ve asked myself is ‘How we can spend the taxes we collect to pay for services on projects other than the services we collect taxes to pay for?’ The Nova Scotia Guard is one, and now I’m happy to announce the Maritimer Matriarchs!”.
According to the Premier, The Province hopes ease paramedic, emergency-room and other urgent-care-related expenditures by redirecting funds and energy towards a mobile unit of “senior women with kind faces” to help address residents’ gravest physical ailments.
“Let’s say you’re in an industrial accident and get saw-blade in the gut,” he continued, “Not only are you bleeding out, but we’re hemorrhaging funds on three paramedics to stabilise your heart, monitor your vitals and drive the ambulance! Why not save money by having one paramedic do all three of those things and, instead, have Mee-maw lift your spirits by telling you your cheeks are so squeezable she just wants to eat them, and happily smooch all of your pain way?!”.
The First Minister went on to you highlight other features of the program. “Think about it!” he exclaimed. “Who needs a defibrillator when you’ve got Gam-gam to blow on an opened chest cavity? What’s better, gross, ugly sutures, or bandages with pictures dinosaurs on them? Let’s treat that stroke with a spoonful of raw cookie-dough!”.
Pending the success of the new venture, Houston said he has other programs in mind to replace “Money-sucking drains on our slush-fund- I mean- your tax dollars”, like addressing the substance-abuse crisis by giving every resident a copy of Irvine Welsh’s famed-novel Trainspotting, repurposing the province’s large-sized accessible bathrooms as ‘luxury tiny homes’, and supplementing law-enforcement with an army of White guys with Confederate-flag tattoos.
