WASHINGTON, DC – In the face of mounting criticism, MAGA-hat wearing members of the Olympic-champion USA Men’s Hockey team insisted that their post victory celebrations, which have included memorable scenes of the team singing along to “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)”, penned by Iraq War-supporter Toby Keith, and drinking beers with FBI Director Kash Patel, are not political in nature.
Team captain Austin Matthews promised the public that any appearance that he and his teammates shared a strong affinity with the Trump Presidency was strictly an illusion. “This isn’t about strong Republicans and wimpy Democrats”, he said. “This is strictly about the USA! We’re wearing these ‘Make America Great Again’ hats because they’re red, and that’s a colour in the flag! I’m sure you can find tonnes of photos of us wearing white and blue ones!”.
“And as for us choosing to sing a composition by Country Music’s most prominent supporter of Republican war-mongering, it was purely because we won! I defy you to name a song that more adequately expresses the sentiment ‘We Are The Champions’!”.
With respect to the presence of FBI Director Patel, GM Bill Guerin dismissed any notion of non-neutrality, noting “In no way was our players’ embrace of Mr. Patel a political statement”. He continued “The fact that I explicitly invited him into the intimate-confines of the locker room to join in the festivities had nothing to do with status as a prominent MAGA Republican, but rather because I thought he was beverage-guy! I mean, he just kept talking about ‘ice’!”.
Professional Hockey Writers Assocation president Frank Seravalli echoed Mr. Guerin’s words. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Kash Patel was there because he’s a ‘hockey guy’, anyone who watches the game knows that! You all are making it sound like no one knew who the hell he was before he became the public face of law enforcement under President Trump! He’s as synonymous with the NHL as Gordie Howe!”
Guerin agreed, adding “That’s why he’s known the world over as ‘Director Hockey'”.
The non-political nature of the squad’s festivities extended to tournament top-goaltender Connor Hellebuyck, who has been named the latest recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom. “It is truly humbling to receive this completely non-partisan award,” said Hellebuyck. “I am honoured to join the ranks of the other, completely-apolitical, recipients named by President Trump, including Rudy Giuliani, Antonin Scalia and Rush Limbaugh”.
In a related story, Canadian hockey fans are salving their wounds by assuring one another that none of their team’s players are Trump supporters, and reading Keith Olbermann’s twitter feed.
