HALIFAX – With the passing of former Nova Scotia premier John Hamm, residents of the province are choosing to honour the man by spending this Sunday bored and miserable.
“John Hamm spent the final years of his premiership standing in staunch opposition to Sunday shopping, believing that the Sabbath should be a day for people to spend with their families rather than engaging in frivolous activities like shopping,” said PC Party spokesman Lindsey MacIsaac. “With that, we are asking all Nova Scotians to commemorate his legacy by spending the day of rest in the traditional manner: doing things you don’t want to do with people you can’t stand”.
With that request, Bluenosers are following through in droves, including Maggie Olsen of North Sydney, who’s looking forward to a day at home. “I can think of nothing better than a full 24 hours spent in my living room!” she explained. “I can already hear the sound of my husband snoring on the couch while my stir-crazy kids demand to watch K-pop Demon Hunters for the 20th time. It’s also delightfully ironic since I can only afford Netflix because of the extra cash I make from being able to work on Sundays”.
James Boyd of New Minas is embracing the nostalgia and will be visiting his local church. “It’ll be just like old times,” he reminisced. “Y’know, the good ol’ days. When I would spend hours trying not to fall asleep on an uncomfortable pew while a soon-to-be convicted sex offender drones on about how I’m going to hell for kissing a boy! Man, you really don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone!”.
Meanwhile, Alex Lomax of Bible Hill is choosing to focus on family. “One of the things that we’ve lost since the Supreme Court struck down Lord’s Day laws as unconstitutional is the importance of time with relatives,” he said. “I can only wonder how much better my life might have been if I spent fewer days whiling away the hours at the mall with my friends who actually love me, and more listening to my dad and my pill-popping stepmother scream at me for setting a poor example for the child they actually care about!”.
At press time, many locals plan to memorialise Mr. Hamm on Saturday instead, when they will spend the day scrambling between the mall and grocery store as they desperately try to get their errands done before closing.
