HALIFAX – In the face of opposition over sweeping budget cuts recently announced by his government, Nova Scotia Premier Tim Houston has said that he’ll cancel them if instructed to by Ontario Premier Doug Ford.
Speaking to a gaggle of reporters at Province House, Mr. Houston detailed his reasoning. “When I was elected Premier of Nova Scotia, I made a solemn promise to serve the will of the people of the province. And by province, I meant Ontario, and by people I meant literally one man: The Prince of Etobicoke himself, Mr. Douglas Robert Ford Jr.!”.
Queried as to how Mr. Ford communicates his instructions, The Premier explained that it was case of “do as I do” more than “do as I say”. “Look, great men lead by example, right? So he cuts the arts and social programs, I cut the arts and social programs. He clashes with the federal government over the carbon tax, I clash with the federal government over the carbon tax. He goes on a trip to Washington, I chase after him like a golden retriever with separation anxiety!”.
Houston continued by clarifying that he doesn’t completely copy the Toronto-based legislator’s approach. “I mean, some things just don’t apply here, while he tried to curry votes by ‘solving’ a problem that no one was complaining about with cheap beer, I had to ‘solve’ it by getting rid of bridge tolls. And while I tried to corner the cannabis market by targeting First Nations dispensaries, when he was in high school, he- actually wait, forget I said that”.
Asked as to whether if it was beneath his position to take his governance cues from a someone at the exact same legislative level as himself, the premier was flattered. “Really? The exact same? Did he say that? He’s so humble! Did he mention me by name?”.
At press time, the Premier was reported to be signing documents “Mrs. Tim Ford” in glitter gel pen.
