HALIFAX – Tragedy struck the provincial capital today, as attendees of Megadeth’s Halifax stop of their “Killing Road” tour were massacred by the ghost of former Dartmouth mayor Eileen Stubbs.
The deceased legislator, famed for labelling fans of Heavy Metal icons Twisted Sister as being “high on the Devil’s music”, explained her actions. “When I first heard that these satanic songsters were bringing their evil rhythms and rhymes to our shores, I was content to bathe in the knowledge that they will face their judgment upon their deaths. But, when I heard that they were partnering with a similar collection of miscreants who call themselves ‘Exodus’, in open mockery of Moses and our sacred laws, I thought it best to hasten their demise through plagues of my own creation!”.
According to witnesses, Stubbs made her initial appearance during the performance of opening act Anthrax. Speaking from a hospital bed, concert goer Stanley MacIsaac detailed events. “They were had just gotten in to the opening riff of ‘Stand or Fall’ when the building began to shake. There was a flash of light, and here she was, she grabbed the mic from Joey Belladonna and screeched ‘You have come for the whispers of those that name themselves after pestilence?! Then taste of mine!'”.
He continued, “The next moment, a giant cross begin to burn on my chest, my eyes began to cry tears of acid and I blacked out. When I came too, I was covered in blood, and surrounded by the dead. I tell you, I’ll never listen to these demonic ditties again!”.
Even those lucky few who managed to escape the carnage at the Scotiabank Centre could not escape Eileen’s evangelical excesses, as hundreds drowned when she turned her wrath to the Dartmouth-bound ferries. Said survivor Andrea Calloway “Everyone was huddled below deck when the lights went out, and her voice came over the intercom. She bellowed ‘Taste of MY April Wine, ye heathens!’, and the next thing we knew we were swamped by a tidal wave”.
“My friends and I were only spared after we began to collectively chant Carrie Underwood lyrics”.
In a related story, Ms. Stubbs’s granddaughter is an Alberta-based Member of Parliament for the Conservative Party, because of course she is.
