OTTAWA – As Canada deals with a litany of issues, from a housing crisis, to crippling unemployment, and a stagnant economy, one matter of debate is supplanting all others: Whether or not its citizenry is sick of Ryan Reynolds.
“I’m done,” says Duong Tran of Baie-Vert, Newfoundland. “I can’t escape him. Maybe I sound like a hipster, but he’s like Metallica, y’know? I was loving them with Kill ‘Em All. I still jam to Master of Puppets. But then the Black Album comes out, and ‘Enter Sandman’ is playing in every rink in the country? It’s the same with him!”.
She continues “I loved him on Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. I think Just Friends is an underrated comedic masterpiece. But now? I can’t even watch The View without him showing up in the audience?! Enough! I don’t care how nice and thoughtful you’ll seem, you’ll never be the Ryan I picture wearing a rain-soaked shirt while he hoists me in the air for a passionate kiss!”.
Proprietor of WeStillLoveRR.ca, Mary Cartier of Richelieu, Quebec, is bothered by the backlash against the Free Guy star. “Ryan Reynolds is, and remains what he has always been. A handsome, charming, talented multi-hyphenate at the top of his game!” she exclaims. “I don’t understand the hate. Do you know why he’s all over your screens? Because you want him there! You want to laugh? A little Reynolds will do the trick! You want to smooth drink? Here’s a cool glass of Reynolds! Want to get in touch with your loved ones? Ring up Reynolds!”
“Look,” she adds, “I know he’s not a meme-generator. He’s not one to inspire a ‘Hey Girl’, or a cereal-refusal, but, that Peloton-Aviator ad was viral-gold in its own right!”.
Ms. Cartier’s assertions are countered, however, by Ivan Nikolic, manager of JustGoAwayAlready.ca, of Swift Current, Saskatchewan, who fumes “We get it, dude! You’re ‘complex’! You’re funny, but serious. A fun-loving goof, but also a savvy business man. Bra-fucking-vo!”.
He continues, “Do you have to be everywhere? Do you have to wreck everything? One of the best sights in sports is the fans of a small football-club celebrating promotion, but, now, the camera cuts to you politely applauding-along, with a smug ‘I made this happen’ look on your face!”. Ivan added “And what’s with the beard? I grew one because of my weak chin, what’s your reason? Your jawline wasn’t chiselled enough?! ‘I see your neck-fat, and raise you my perfect bone structure’?! Well, do you know what you DON’T have? Kenergy!”.
Nikolic further notes “For God’s sake, he’s even ruined Hugh Jackman, for me! That’s unforgivable!”; before closing with the addendum that “I was thrilled to learn that the Writer’s Strike meant that he had to stick the script as written”, followed by an emphasisation of his statement by grabbing his genitals and shouting “Hey Deadpool, ad-lib this!”.
As one might expect, Mr. Reynold’s strongest supporters can be found in his hometown of Vancouver, British Columbia, where resident Harkiran Sandhu sings the actor’s praises. “Ryan Reynolds isn’t ‘from’ Vancouver,” he insisted, “he is Vancouver”.
“Just like the Lower Mainland is surrounded by mountains, while simultaneously enveloped in ocean breezes, he too is a beautiful contradiction. Humour and passion. Excitement and comfort. Ryan Reynold’s doesn’t DO. He just IS, and we should celebrate it”.
“But, yeah,” he concedes, “Gosling’s better”.
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