MINNEAPOLIS – With news that traces of the H5N1 virus have been found in unpasteurised milk from infected cows, Timberwolves star Rudy Gobert has assured the NBA and its legions of fans that he has no intension of courting disaster, and will be refusing to consume the liquid.
“Look, I know what I did four years ago, YOU know what I did four years ago, we don’t need to say it,” the three-time Defensive Player of the Year winner told gathered press. “Let me just say, lesson FUCKING learned. Okay?! Got milk? NOT Rudy Gobert! I don’t care if my bones snap like twigs, it’s worth the sacrifice”. He continued “In fact, no dairy at all! Not even cheese, and I’m French, we LOVE cheese! Just please God, whatever happens, let’s just agree it’s not my fault this time!”.
Dressed head-to-toe in a hazmat suit specially made to contain the 7-footer’s lanky frame, the All-Star chided the gathered press for their comparatively reckless behaviour. “How the hell can you people be so relaxed?! When I came in here they had a plates of wings set out for you! WINGS! You know where those come from, don’t you?! And you just ATE them! What is wrong with you?!”
“And you were all joking and laughing! What’s so funny?! Fine, you want to laugh?! Here’s a joke: why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: I have no fucking clue because Rudy Gobert doesn’t go anywhere near any fucking birds! You write that down!”.
Reporters were unable to ask Mr. Gobert any follow-up questions because, as they approached the former rebounding-leader, he screamed “Get those microphones the hell away from me!”, and ran from the room.
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