KELOWNA – Cindy MacIsaac, owner of MacIsaac’s Bovine Dung Collection, Inc. is informing possible customers that she can no longer accept orders due to an already-full schedule.
“Look I would love to get to everyone,” she began, “but demand is just too high. So I’d really appreciate if everyone stopped attempting to use our services, as we simply don’t have time for your bullshit”.
According to MacIsaac, a dramatic increase of the local cattle population, combined with new, genetic-engineered, fast-digesting forms of wheat has lead to a “bumper crop” of taurine droppings, has left her organisation, which aids ranches by clearing and transporting excess manure, having to turning away customers. “We’d love your business, but we just can’t handle it, at the moment,” she explained. “Please avail yourselves of any of the other fine bull-and-cow-patty collectors in our community, and take that shit some place else”.
The exasperation for Ms. MacIsaac didn’t stop with just customer complaints, however. Speaking from inside the processing facility, a tense news conference was briefly interrupted when she paused proceedings to address members of her crew who were loudly arguing over how to manage a mass of manure from a processor that had stalled. A seemingly-frazzled MacIsaac was forced to briefly excuse herself to issue orders to her employees to move the overflow to large bins on the exterior of the building, directing them to “Take that shit outside”.
Upon returning, the beleaguered executive did spring a hopeful tone, noting that the increased revenue stream has allowed her thinly-stretched business to expand its services, providing avenues to alleviate the industry’s excremental excess problem. “We’ve managed to secure space on some under-filled porcine transportation planes in order to move potentially-wasted waste to our subsidiaries”, she shared. “As such, it’s very likely that everyone’s concerns will be addressed when pigs fly”.
