HALIFAX – The Nova Scotian College of Ophthalmologists is issuing a public health warning after identifying an increasing trend of muscular strain in patients eyes, as a result of naturally developed impulse in locals to roll them at the sight of a vehicle with Albertan plates.
According to college President Dr. Andrea Roloson, the instinct appears to have developed in a Pavlovian manner. “From the gathered data, it appears that it what we’re seeing is a case of classical conditioning,” she explained. “It evolves as a result of drivers find themselves annoyed with a particularly aggressive commuter, eventually letting them pass, and, upon seeing the ‘Wild Rose Country’ emblem, respond with an ‘oh, no wonder’ eye-roll”.
“Of course, the eye-roll-effect isn’t entirely caused by an emotional reaction. Some of it is entirely physical”, she continued. “We’ve noticed a lot of people developing it from reading the various decals on the backs of such vehicles, with their eyes moving in a semicircular fashion from the ‘Fuck Trudeau’ sticker to the ‘Fuck Windmills’ sticker, followed by ‘Fuck Gun Control’, ‘Fuck Greta’, and, for some reason, a Confederate flag”.
She added the response isn’t just triggered by the Prairie province’s license plates, noting “We’ve actually documented similar incidents as a result of the sight of any large, white, pickup truck”.
Roloson notes that this particularly phenomenon is concerning due to it being year-round. “Usually plate-induced eye-rolls get a break in summer,” she said, “we typically only notice such viscerally-induced visual-muscle-strain when its caused by Ontario tags during the Fall and Winter semesters at Dal”.
In a related story, physicians in the province are also noticing laryngeal issues caused by the sound of car horns naturally triggering screams of “Why are you even here?! There’s no oil!”
