NEW YORK CITY – Gotham residents are reeling, and lamenting a decline in public safety, following a spate of seemingly randoms attacks by groups of teenagers in which the delinquents approach unsuspecting pedestrians and surprising them with the assertion that the city’s famed pizza is “gross”.
“This isn’t just about policing”, an agitated NYPD Spokesperson Cynthia Giroud told gathered press, “This is about a fundamental decline in the morality of our young people”. She continued “Every New Yorker is born with the inalienable right to think this city has the best pizza and any suggestion that might not be the case is violation of that mental safety”.
Local social media is awash in posts of videos of Borough denizens being accosted by out of control youth spewing the blasphemous bile including one particularly disturbing Instagram post which featured Chelsea-based Influencer Arnie Sirocca’s corgi L’il Simmy being so traumatised as to suffer a bout of sudden-onset canine diarrhea.
The genesis of the incidents, which have been dubbed “pie-saults”, appears to be connected to a series of anti-social games designed to, in the words of Professor of Juvenile Psychology Meredith Walton, “freak the self-centredness out of people”. She explained that “The subject gains a disturbed degree of satisfaction by shattering the target’s preconceived notions of the world. In this case, forcing them to reconcile with the idea that maybe they just have a fondness for New York-style pizza because that’s what they grew up with, and not because there’s something uniquely special about vegetables baked tightly into a sauceless dough stretched so thin that the result is little more than an oversized nacho”.
“We’ve seen similar attempts attempts by youngsters in the past, including assertions that Aaron Judge did not deserve the MVP over Shohei Ohtani, but the public showed considerably more resistance due to their secret agreement with the statement”.
As the pie-saults continue, authorities are also noticing an increase in adaptations on the attacks known as “debatings”. According to Giroud, these offences are particularly worrying because of how they create multiple victims, and have even led to borderline “riotous” conditions. She notes “In this case, the nefarious juvenile politely engages in conversations with a group of people, before suddenly springing on them with the query ‘where is the best pizza?’, quickly exiting the area as the gathering descends into chaotic infighting”.
At press time, deep dish is better. Also, please don’t kill us.
