OTTAWA – Shawn Ebbings of Gatineau is the latest victim of what Medical Science has noted to be an increasing trend of nerdy 40-somethings finding themselves tortured by ear worms caused by musical bits from the late-eighties-and-early-nineties Mathematics-based sketch series Square One Television.
“It’s really made a dent in my productivity” said Ebbings. “Here I am, sitting in a very important board meeting, and I can’t retain any of the information, because my brain has been completely hijacked by an infinite loop of ‘Angle Dance’!”.
University of Ottawa physician Dr. Margaret Canning, explained the origins of the phenomenon. “Children’s programming has a habit of creating ditties that can get trapped in your brain, like the Baby Shark phenomenon of 2016,” she began, “as a result, songs from childhood regularly make an appearance in in our mental symphony. Consequently, those of us who spent our adolescence as social pariahs, often find our minds monopolised by songs from PBS’s iconic dweeb-targeted programming”.
Ebbings detailed the disorder’s connection to his Poindexterous youth. “When everyone else was outside playing sports, my asthmatic self was stuck indoors consuming offerings from the Children’s Television Workshop” he said, further noting that “When the cool kids were blasting the hits from Nevermind, I was humming along to ‘Archimedes’. When they were going to concerts, I was bopping to beats of ‘Nine Nine Nine’. And the next day, when they were gabbing with each other about how cool it was, I was imagining doing the same with the kids from 3-2-1 Contact“.
“I’m not ashamed of my past,” Shawn insisted, but he did add that this association between PBS programming and his own has social ineptitude does find its way into his work life. “When I see all of the sales guys in the office, high-fiving and planning golfing excursions, together, I can’t help but imagine myself playing the role of ‘Stan’ in the video for ‘Less than Zero'”.
In order to alleviate similar emotional stresses, Dr. Canning recommended that the afflicted try directing their internal soundtrack to more generalised youth programming. “The Gummi Bears theme is a personal favourite of mine, and I’ve had many patients finding success by replacing the likes of ‘Perpendicular Lines’ with the opening to Video and Arcade Top 10. However, we’ve found that the best way to alleviate the irritation is to fire up a playlist of Sesame Street tracks. Geeks or otherwise, I think we can all agree that ‘Cooperation’ is a banger”.
