VANCOUVER – In the midst of a difficult season, Vancouver Canucks management group is finding itself faced with the difficult choice of fixing a team dealing with toxic locker-room drama, by either trading away forward Elias Petterson, rumoured to be negatively affected by the aforementioned toxic locker room drama, or forward JT Miller, rumoured to be literally responsible for all of the aforementioned toxic locker-room drama.
General Manager Jim Rutherford struck a sombre tone. “This is just like Sophie’s Choice”, he lamented, referencing the 1979 novel by William Styron, which went on to be adapted into an Oscar-winning film starring Best Actress-recipient Meryl Streep. “Only, instead of having to choose between two children that you love, you’re forced to decide between one that you love and one that you love but also makes you miserable and you actually hate”.
According to reports, the relatively-mediocre performances of both stars has been linked to Miller’s tendency to be a boorish, unpleasant, bully and Pettersson’s tendency to find boorish bullying unpleasant.
One team official, who chose to be anonymous hinted that he would like to see the club move on from Pettersson. “Sure, he can stickhandle in a phone booth, but Petey’s got this annoying habit of not wanting to be treated like crap every day. JT brings leadership and accountability. Yeah, he can rub people the wrong way, but we’re confident that with Elias gone, it won’t be a problem like it has been this season.. or every other season.. or in Tampa.. or New York”.
“Besides, who’s to say that trading Miller would mean that Pettersson will suddenly come out his funk? It’s not like we can guarantee that, with JT away from the team, Elias will suddenly play they way he has every other time JT has been away from the team!”
In a related story, team staff are considering replacing players’ uniforms with ones that look identical but periodically deliver a piercing electrical shock to their testicles.
