REGINA – After responding to concerns about the province’s education system from a grieving mother by flippantly asking her if she wanted him to give up his first-born child, Education Minister Jeremy Cockrill has since apologised for responding to criticism of the incident by suggesting that his actions were those of a human being.
“Let me just say, once again, I am sorry”, Mr. Cockrill told a throng of reporters. “When I responded to a pretty simple entreaty for changes to our educational services from a woman who lost her child, I was under the impression that the human thing to do would be to dismiss her request out of hand, while using a phrase that mirrors the worst day of her life. I have since learned that an actual human being would have said literally anything else”.
Mr. Cockrill explained to the gathered press that he has since consulted with many members of the “human community” and has learned the error of his ways. “First, let me say that I have great respect for humans, and in no way meant to associate my bafflingly obnoxious response with those proud people. I also fully understand that, when faced with a request from someone who pays their salary to do their job, even the some of the absolute dumbest humans on earth would react by doing their job”.
In closing, the Minister implored the public “Please understand that I’m still new to this whole ‘civil servant’ thing. On my home world of Proxima Centauri b, it is traditional for elected officials to act like entitled brats who must answer all constituents with causticity, as opposed to more human acknowledgments like understanding, politeness or, for God’s sake, nothing. Even nothing at all would’ve been preferable to whatever fucked up Alien crap prompted me to say what I said”.
In a related story, residents of Proxima Centauri b are insisting that Mr. Cockrill apologise for suggesting that he’s one of them and not, as indicated by their records, “just kind of a dick”.
