TOKYO – Japanese Prime Minister Fumio Kishida expressed concern, today, that the strong following for hit FX miniseries Shogun could lead to a further increase in visits from American, as well as Canadian and European, dweebs.
“This is bad,” Kishida explained to a throng of reporters. “For some reason, our country is some kind of Shangri-La to the biggest dorks on the planet, and this new drama, with its great acting, fantastic action, and impeccable characterisation, is bound to only increase their number”.
The premier articulated his frustrations with the appeal his nation seems to hold in the minds of the wilfully-unwashed masses. “I don’t get it, on paper we’re the single coolest place on earth. We’ve supplied the world with great cars, amazing video games, and have found ways to redefine almost every art form; and yet, we consistently find ourselves having to roll out the red carpet for your nerdlingers, poindexters and dorkus-malorki”.
“I mean, think about it,” he fumed, “We shook the world of animation with Akira. A cyberpunk, dystopian nightmare that supplied a, simultaneously, violent and beautiful vision of the a future that, somehow, seemed both impossible and remarkably realistic, and what happens? Suddenly, we were flooded with a bunch of lonely virgins who’d never even ridden a motorcycle!”.
He continued, “Now with Shogun, you know the same’s gonna happen. But why?! Samurai are quite possibly the single-most badassed people in human history. You’re talking about people who wilfully commit suicide to make a freaking point, and we’re not talking about some ‘regular’ suicide method like popping yourself with a handgun or ingesting poison or something. We’re talking stabbing yourself in the stomach and slicing your guts open with no anesthesia and expression of determination on your face the whole time! How gangster is that?!”.
“But how do you thank us?” he adds. “With every Meek-freak adorning his bedroom wall with one of beautiful swords! Come on! We’re a country that’s tailor made for martial-arts lovers like the Wu-tang Clan, and instead we’re getting Weezer!”.
In closing, Mr. Kishida mused about methods to prevent such issues in the future, stating “Maybe The Ghost in the Shell was right to cast Scarlett Johansson, after all”.
