NEW DELHI – After a long election campaign, Narendra Modi, who many consider responsible for an anti-Muslim genocide in Gujarat, has secured a third term as Prime Minister of the world’s largest democracy, defeating main-challenger Rahul Gandhi, whose father, Rajiv Gandhi, presided over an anti-Sikh genocide in Delhi, and an anti-Tamil genocide in the neighbouring country of Sri Lanka.
“Today is a great day for Bharat,” said Modi, as he opened his victory speech. “With one clear voice, our 1.4 billion citizens shouted ‘We choose religious bloodshed over ethnic, and religious, bloodshed!'”. He continued “And let no one ever say that we won’t deliver on our promise. We fully intend to remove every ounce of the Islam from this country, with the third-largest Muslim population of the planet, after it sneakily wormed its way in over the course just a few, or maybe fourteen-hundred, years!”.
Mr. Modi continued by placating concerns of practitioners of other minority faiths. “And let me just say to our glorious nation’s Christians, Sikhs, Buddhist, Jains, Zoroastrians and anyone else I might have, intentionally, forgotten, you have nothing to fear! It’s going to take a long time for us to successfully subdue the Muslims before we can consider turning our attention to you”, he insisted, before adding “we promise, every non-Muslim minority, and moderate-Hindu, we’ve already killed was just getting in the way of our ability to kill Muslims!”.
Opposition leader Gandhi lamented the results. “This is really worrisome,” he began. “Mr. Modi is clearly driven by a deep-seeded resentment towards minorities. My family was never so bigoted. All the minorities we massacred were simply those that we felt stood in the way of our insatiable lust for power”.
Expounding, he stated “Not a single Sikh would have been harmed if they had never complained about the way Punjab was being neglected and just accepted being used to feed our people and fight our wars for us, and as for the Tamils. Well, if we had just let those guys in Sri Lanka air their grievances about mistreatment and abandonment, then those in India might start doing so, too!”.
Pausing for a moment, Mr. Gandhi went on to offer an alternative. “But hey, if it’s religious violence you want, we can do that! I mean, hell my great-grandfather pretty much initiated the modern Muslim-Hindu schism! In fact, forget everything I just said! The conflict between my grandmother and the Sikhs might not have been personal to start, but she sure made personal! My father and the Tamils? Well, even if most of them are Hindu, they’ve always been a little too different from us Northern-Indian Hindus, don’t you think?”.
International leaders responded to Modi’s re-election with sternness and caution.
British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak stated “We are are concerned with Mr. Modi’s over-handed and reckless attempts to sew division within the Subcontinent. Not like my nation’s careful and calculated attempts to sew division within the Subcontinent. And the rest of the Continent. And Africa. And the Americas. And, probably Antarctica for all we know”.
While American President Joe Biden noted “We would like to remind the BJP that we will not tolerate violence against India’s Muslims. After all, they make up a large proportion of the country’s poor, so, if you get rid of them, you’d have a lot fewer of your citizens to exploit as slave labour to make my country’s clothes”.
