HALIFAX – With the passing of Nova Scotia’s Financial Measures Act, granting the government access to patients’ personal medical records, Premier Tim Houston and his ministers are assuring concerned residents that they do not need to worry about the government interfering in the care of their bodies and the delicious meat therein.
“I promise you,” began the Premier, “the purpose of Bill 419 is to allow patients to view their records through the YourHealthNS app, and no one needs to be concerned at all about what we could do with intimate knowledge of the state of your personal health, like deny you care for chronic ailments, pass the information on to employers so they can preemptively fire workers who may prove to be a financial burden, or harvest your intestines for my grandmother’s famed ‘Long pig haggis’ recipe”.
Health Minister Michelle Thompson echoed the Premier’s sentiments. “We’re certainly not going to take this information, combine it with the financial records we already have access to, and use it to develop some kind of multi-tiered privatized health care system meant to prioritise the health needs of the wealthy, as other Conservative-lead provinces are clearly trying to create. We just want to make sure you’re getting the absolute care you need for you and your children, and the rivers of sweet, nourishing blood flowing through their veins like a veritable chocolate fountain of delicious human life”.
“We’re also not going to harvest your body parts and stitch them into our own in some twisted pursuit of never-ending youth,” the Minister responded to a query from a young female reporter, before going on to use her as a demonstration of the Bill’s value. “For example, you, with those plump, beautiful limps, and skin bursting with the flavourful nectar of collagen, wouldn’t you feel safer knowing that if you were to suddenly go missing we could assure your worried relatives that no one had touched one of the silky, luscious hairs on your head that I would give anything to have, but rather that your predisposition to sunburns meant you just spontaneously combusted?”.
Ms. Thompson further stated that the reporter was welcome to visit her office at any time to discuss the matter further, adding that she was free to “As the Countess Elizabeth Bathory once said, ‘bring a friend'”.
Before closing, Houston also took a moment to note that the province’s plan to increase immigration levels was strictly to improve the province’s workforce and not because their exotic diets gave their overworked muscles an extra “spicy kick” that pairs well with a nice Chianti.
