HALIFAX – The investigation into the particularly violent death of Charlie Keddy of Bedford has concluded with no charges laid, after detectives learned that he espoused the belief that Newfoundland and Labrador was a Maritime Province.
According to the agreed statement of facts, Alan MacDonald, also of Bedford, and Mr. Keddy were playing video games at the former’s home when the latter casually mentioned a family trip to St. John’s. HRP spokesperson Kathy Tupper continued the story. “Our investigation revealed that, when queried why Mr. Keddy would choose Newfoundland instead of a more exotic locale, he responded that his family decided to avoid expense and stay ‘In the Maritimes’. From there, things took a completely understandable turn”.
“I mean, I guess we could’ve charged Mr. MacDonald if Charlie had backtracked and apologised for his depraved assertion, but that was not the case” Tupper explained. ” But the guy doubled down! Frankly, if he didn’t take it back after the waterboarding, or the axe to the junk, I don’t see how we could think he didn’t have it coming”.
Asked by one reporter how the authorities could just wave away such a blood-soaked end for a upstanding, though clearly disturbed, citizen, Ms. Tupper was incredulous. “What’re you from Alberta or something?! Grade Nine! Maritime Studies! Day ONE! It’s the first friggin’ lesson! ‘Newfoundland is not one of them’!”.
The Spokesperson continued “I could understand if you’re new to the area or something, and haven’t had a chance to learn what’s right and wrong out here, but how the hell do you spend your entire life East of the Gaspé and South of the Gulf of St. Lawrence and not know that?! It’s inexcusable!”.
When the same reporter responded by noting that he similarly thought Newfoundland was in the Maritimes and asked “What’s the difference?”, the remaining press backed away in preparation for a well-deserved haranguing, as Ms. Tupper began an expletive tirade including the phrases “Acadia”, “Irish-British schism” and “It was it’s own Dominion for God’s sake!”, before concluding with “But most of all, it doesn’t matter if what the friggin’ difference is, it’s not one of us and that’s the whole damned point!”.
In a related story, anyone confused by this article can take that shit to Upper Canada where it belongs.
