TORONTO – In the wake of First Nations communities threatening action against his government’s controversial “Bill 5”, Premier Doug Ford is pushing to declare Northern Ontario part of international waters.
The bill, which allows the government to designate special economic zones in which private business projects would be exempt various provincial laws and regulations, is facing significant opposition, prompting Mr. Ford to propose declaring the mineral-rich regions to instead be part of the stateless swaths of the planet’s oceans notorious for tales of turpitude and debauchery.
“For some reason, ever since that whole ‘Idle No More’ thing, our nation’s Indigenous peoples seem to have decided that they will be idle, no more, and it’s pretty damned frustrating,” explained the PC leader. “Apparently, they seem to have decided that our ‘anything goes and no one can complain’ policies aren’t for them. So, instead we’re going to make it so that their homes are now part of the place where ‘anything goes and no one can complain’ is what the host tells you before he opens the galley doors to a banquet hall full of ketamine-tripping prostitutes dressed like seahorses!”
Mr. Ford continued by singing the economic virtues of the high seas. “Our nation’s oceans are a paradise of business!” he exclaimed. “You want to tear up sacred lands to get your hands on some cobalt? You sure can! You want to set up a shell corporation to direct your illegal gambling proceeds to a shadowy hedgefund-slash-REIT? Go ahead! You want to do a rail as your pleasures are nurtured by a bevy of seahorse-costumed merchants of the flesh, while a school of actually seahorses watches? No judgement, here, friends!”
Striking a defiant tone, the premier went on to admonish his critics for standing in the way of the province’s economic future. “You can’t stop progress! We’re going to strip that land of its precious resources like so many Hippocampus hippocampi nibbling shrimp off of your naked body!
“It’s as we like to say, ‘there are no reserves on the Sargasso Sea, but there are plenty of seahorses’!”
Shortly after his prepared statements, Mr. Ford’s aides closed proceedings without time for reporters’ questions, noting that the premier had to rush to an exclusive midnight-screening of the director’s cut of “The Shape of Water”.
