OTTAWA – Executives at Lawrence Dynamics are touting the success of their recent Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) initiative, after an adjustment to their original request for BIPOC applicants to also include ‘women and ‘LGBTQIA2S+’ candidates, has lead to the hiring of a record number of white people.
“I’m ecstatic with the results,” said CEO Lance Fordman. “When we first implemented this DEI effort, the start was really bumpy. Initially, we only requested candidates who were people of colour, but then we started getting all kinds of applications from people of colour! Something about that just felt.. uncomfortable. But, one of our HR managers suggested we broaden the scope to include women and LGBTQIA2S+ people, and suddenly things started getting a lot more normal around here!”.
One LGBTQ2IAS+ hire is the company’s new Director of Diversity Alan Calder. “Until now, I had to hope against hope that the fact that I’m a White man would be enough for me to get ‘the job’. Which, thankfully, it has been, every single time. But, now, I can breathe easy knowing that I won’t be penalised for marching into the interview wearing a long rainbow cape and waving a giant pride flag”.
Mr. Fordman went on to dismiss any suggestion that the influx of White people into the process sabotaged any of its ability to affect real change. “Everyone knows that women and LGBTQIA2S+ suffer greatly in this world, and I’m given to understand that if we only try to reach BIPOC candidates, then clearly we wouldn’t be reaching any women or LGBTQIA2S+ prospects. I mean, are you trying to tell me that women and LGBTQIA2S+ people of colour exist? If that were the case, I’m pretty sure one of the hundred White women and LGBTQIA2S+ people we hired would’ve told us something”.
Contrary to unverified reports of unhappiness, many employees of colour are expressing their satisfaction with the process. “I’ve learned a lot about how hard life is for ‘marginalised’ White people,” explained Sales Assistant Erin Chu. “There’s nothing more enlightening that hearing a White lady complain about the mean things people say to her on social media. Based on how outraged they sound, I figured it has to be a lot worse than the things I hear on social media, at the grocery store, at the office, on the street, on the news every night, and probably at the bottom of the fucking Mariana Trench, for all I know”.
She added, “Truly this has made our office a much more inclusive place. I couldn’t be happier. I love my job. I need my job. Please let me keep my job”.
According to the Fordman, in order to limit numbers, candidates were whittled down to only those who suffered abuses of power at the hands of the Sun, had ever posted a TikTok of themselves tearfully talking about a hateful thing someone said to them one time, or were offended by that Bill Burr SNL monologue.
