NEW YORK – Notorious degenerate Arthur Talmidge of East Rutherford struck again this week when, with malice aforethought, he opted to stand in line to board his flight prior to staff calling his zone.
“I’m still shaken,” said fellow passenger Maggie Gutierrez. “You hear about it, but you never really believe it can happen to you. It all seems so simple, the person at the desk says a number and then people whose tickets have that number form a line and board. And yet, that’s not what happened”.
“The attendant announced that they were beginning boarding, and right up to the stanchion saunters this impressive figure. A man brimming with all of the confidence and self-assuredness of someone in ‘Zone 1’. But, he wasn’t in Zone 1! He was never in Zone 1! Was he ever in any zone? We’ll never know”.
She continued to describe the horrifying scene. “Suddenly there’s a mass of human life, writhing and immobile, people standing still, confused, wondering why no one in front of them is approaching the doorway. How could that all start with one person?”.
Yale Professor of Political Science Toluwani Dabiri explained that the scene was a classic manoeuvre by the well-practised tyrant. “Despots like Talmidge thrive by sewing chaos, but where he has made his name is with the seeming inexplicable nature of his motivations”.
“The essence of his depravity lies in the psychology of confusion. What sane person would wilfully choose to stand around awkwardly when there are perfectly functional chairs only feet away? They wouldn’t. Only a truly diabolical sociopath would do something that. Only he knows his objective, but the fact that he continues to ply his special brand of trauma induction in airports around the world without being strangled is darkly admirable”.
Efforts made to reach Mr. Talmidge for comment were fruitless, with his representatives passing on that he was currently engaged in standing completely still in the middle of a moving walkway.
