OTTAWA – Sports media was abuzz, today, after the highly-rated Women’s March Madness Tournament was labelled “pretend” by Bobby Ryan, a former NHL player who made an entire career out of pretending to be a second-overall draft choice.
Ryan, who was selected immediately after All-time-great Sidney Crosby in the 2005 NHL entry draft, insisted those who took his comment as an insult were mistaken. “I love pretenders,” he said, “I played over 800 NHL games by pretending to be an elite offensive player even though I never had a point-a-game season! Hell, I was so good at it that I was drafted before future Hall-of-Famers like Anze Kopitar and Kris Letang! So when I call out something for not being what everyone says it is, I mean it as a compliment!”.
“I love pretenders, it’s how I live my life” said the former right-shot forward who pretended so well that he fooled three different teams into thinking he’d provide first line scoring. “Just look at how I pretend to think that Islam is major a threat to public safety, even though my Christian father pretended to care so much about my mother that he nearly beat her to death”.
“Then of course there were all of the scouts who pretended to have no idea that my whole family pretended to be other people while my father was a fugitive, even though they’d been closely following me my whole life”.
The career-high-71-points player closed by adding “That’s why I’m such a vocal supporter of the man who’s pretending the 2020 election was stolen!”.
At press time, the reporters who wrote countless puff-pieces praising the man, who barely scored more points than he had penalty-minutes, are pretending they never liked him.
