LONDON – With a unanimous acquittal, the judge in the Hockey Canada trial sent a clear message to the Canadian public that that not only were the accusations against the five defendant completely made up but that they were safe in their knowledge that NO HOCKEY PLAYER HAS EVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN HUMAN HISTORY.
Speaking to a crowd of reporters, defence attorney Steve Lowe hailed the verdict. “When Justice Carrocia declared that ‘The Crown did not meet its onus’, she was reiterating what Canadians always knew, that HOCKEY PLAYERS ARE INCAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING BAD AND DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE!”.
Mr. Lowe’s words were echoed by ESPN analyst Aaron Duthie, “It was clear that every single part of this so-called story was a total fabrication,” he said. “As if hockey players would be so lecherous! Hockey players having group sex?! Come now, hockey players are chaste and pure! They’re not the byproduct of carnal relations like the rest of us! I have it on good authority that Wayne Gretzky was birthed by the plasma created when a bolt of lightning struck a pair of Bauers placed at centre ice of the Montreal Forum!”.
He continued, “And the boorish drunkenness?! Everyone knows hockey players can’t get drunk! The yellow sun of Earth makes it impossible! Hell, why do you think Superman has a fortress made of ice?! Because our frozen warriors were sent by the heavens to save us from ourselves! “THEY ARE MEN OF BLADES OF STEEL!”.
Mr. Duthie’s colleague Darren Strachan raised the alarm that the entire trial was due to the machinations of a dark conspiracy, noting “Clearly this was one of the many plots, against our most precious of resources, orchestrated by the nefarious cabal of Rick Westhead, Justin Trudeau and Khalistani Terrorists!”.
“But this time, we triumphed!” he exclaimed. “Rest assured, friends, our precious daughters will always be safe in the company of our noble knights on skates, away from the prying eyes of those VILLAINOUS BASKETBALL PLAYERS, WITH THEIR WILD HAIR, FANCY SNEAKERS, AND RAP MUSIC!”.
At press time, Don Cherry just came.
