FORT LAUDERDALE – With the Florida Panthers crowned NHL champions, organisers of the team’s championship celebration festivities are excited for the opportunity to confirm the public’s negative opinions of the behaviour and personalities of the athletes.
“The Cup parade is the career highlight for those who work in Hockey PR,” exclaimed Panthers Director of Communications Sandy Olson. “It’s a chance for those of us who work tirelessly every day trying to convince you that the players are all quiet, polite, family men, to let loose, drop the curtain, and expose them as a bunch of boorish, drunken, frat boys who can’t string together more than three words without dropping an F-bomb!”.
According to Ms. Olson, this year’s parade will feature “all the classics” that fans of the game have come to expect, but also extras. “Naturally, we’ll have 60-year-old coaches barely able to walk from acute alcohol poisoning, plenty of shirtless White-boy dancing, and the obligatory speech by a sunglasses-wearing goaltender who screams ‘Yeah! Fuckin’ right!’ at a crowd full of children,” she began, “But you’ll also be treated to pre-recorded videos of players talking about the sacrifices of their families, some great live-music from our state’s biggest bands, and the sight of 90-pound intern desperately trying to wrestle the microphone away from a 200-pound defenceman as he points to a crowd of women and screams ‘Show us your-‘”.
“And, of course,” she continued, “No parade would be complete without the team captain, quieting the crowd so he can deliver the heartfelt message to his teammates ‘I just want to.. I just.. fuckin’.. I just.. wait.. I just want to fuckin’ say.. YEAH!.. I just want to say that you fuckin’ guys.. wait.. you fuckin’ guys.. you.. fuckin’.. YEAH!'”.
“There won’t be a dry-eye in the house. Or a focussed-eye”.
At press time, Panthers staff have confirmed that, despite the fact that he never played for the team, events will include a special-guest appearance by Brett Hull to serenade the crowd with a rendition of “Gloria”.
