NEW YORK CITY – Eric Adams, Mayor of New York City, chose today’s morning briefing to announce his latest initiative for the nation’s largest city, officially declaring the phrase “Sir, you can’t sit there” as Gotham’s official motto.
“Finding the right phrase to act as an emblem for our great city has long been a difficult task,” Mr. Adams began. “The iconic ‘I Love New York’ is often associated with it but, in truth, it actually represents the State of New York, rather than just the Big Apple itself”.
“We’d previously tried our own hand with ‘We Love NYC’, last year, but it didn’t really take” he noted, before adding “as such, we were really interested in a slogan that truly represented the spirit of our city, something unique, but also having a familiar tone, something you’re bound to hear if you hang around long enough. We think ‘Sir, you can’t sit there’ perfectly meets that criteria!”.
The Mayor explained the source of the new epigraph. “Looking for inspiration, I decided to take a walk around Manhattan and soak up the sights and sounds. With the sun beating down as I climbed the steps to our beloved Natural History Museum, I found myself needing to take a breather by the entrance, and rested upon a pedestal, at which point a polite young man informed me that I had to move”.
“Maybe it was Providence”, he continued “but, as I accommodated him, I found myself struck by a sudden realisation. I gazed around this bustling, concrete-jungle with those words, which I have heard multiple times in my life, echoing in my ears, and I felt a clarity I’d never felt before. This metropolis is a veritable sea of ledges of concrete, steel, and various other inviting polymers; all conveniently placed at around midsection-height for the average person; and yet, they are strictly forbidden fruit for our weary haunches, despite the fact our crowded streets have rendered any form of vehicular conveyance utterly useless”.
“I mean, yeah,” Mr. Adams said, “we’ve got lots of benches, but there’s something weird about them, with none seeming quite as inviting as a cool, marble slab, practically begging you to ease your tired bones by splaying spread-eagle on it like a child making snow angels”.
The embattled public official chose to finish his remarks by declaring that he wouldn’t be taking any questions, and promptly left the room, while issuing a parting shout of “There, now you can’t say I never did anything!”.
